Perfect Blindness (5/14)

You said you hate my suffering And you understood And you'd take care of me You'd always be there Well where are you now? And you say that I hurt you, in a voice like a prayer Yeah, you say that I've hurt you, and your voice is like a prayer Yeah, well maybe I hurt you sometimes, but let's contrast and compare Lift up your shirt, the wound isn't there I guess that your truth, is just the ghost of your lies I guess your kind of truth, is just the ghost of your lies Yeah, your kind of truth, darling, is just the ghost of your lies I see through them all the time So I'm pouring some whiskey, I'm gonna get drunk Yeah, I'm pouring myself some whiskey, I'm going to get really fucking drunk I'm pouring some whiskey right now, I'm going to get so, so drunk That I pass out, forget your face, by the time I wake up. ------------------------------------------------- Lately I've been wishing I had one desire Something that would make me never want another Something that would make it so that nothing mattered All would be clear then But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments And watch it all dissolve into a single second And try to write it down into a perfect sonnetor one foolish line 'Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept You are here then you're gone But I believe that lovers should be tied together and Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather and left there to drown Left there to drown in their innocence But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter I read all of the pages and there is still no answer Only all that was before I know must soon come after That is the only way it can be So I stand in the sun And I breathe with my lungs Trying to spare me the weight of the truth Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror And you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever And now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water Wishing you were a ghost But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer But autumn came, She disappeared You can't remember where she said she was going to But you know that she's gone 'cause she left you a song That you don't want to sing We're singing I believe that lovers should be chained together And thrown into a fire with their songs and letters And left there to burn Left there to burn in their arrogance But as for me I'm coming to my final failure I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers And layed entwined together on a bed of clover And left there to sleep Left there to dream of their happiness ------------------------------------------------- 

If I Waited ( 5/24/07)

If I waited, I would have missed my opportunities that I have gained.
If I waited, I would be missing out on a new life
If I waited, you wouldnt come to me when you're "ready."
Youre timing has always been way off darling, we both know this.
So I come to you, because time is not on our side this time, and I cant wait.
If you waited until you were ready, I will be 1500 miles away, and nothing will get solved.
If I waited for you, nothing would ever get said.
If you waited until you were ready, I will be past the point of waiting for you, and wouldnt want anything to do with my life here, which includes you.
If I waited to say the things I have to, they would never get said, because you're waiting.

Waiting and time isnt on our side this time. There is no more future for you and I, we both know this, but we cant wait anymore to talk, and say what we have to, and what we feel. If we waited, youd be where I was last year, and I would be where you were the entire time we were together and loving each other. We switched roles, dont you see? I know how to cope, you dont. You say Im bitter, but darling, Im the one reaching out, not waiting, and you are the bitter one who wants to wait.

Wake up, open those eyes that used to hold me with all the beauty in the world, and realize, there is no more waiting for us. And I'm not just saying that because I want to talk to you, I'm saying it because it hasnt hit you yet, that I wont be here anymore. I havent physically left yet, and it scares me that you wont even realize it until Im not around... I dont want you to have that wake up call.

So stop waiting, suck it up and deal with it.Because if you wait any longer, Im going to stop waiting, and then you can fall on your ass, just like you let me fall. and trust me hunnie, it hurts real bad when you land on that dark cement of nothingness, when you become so bitter and hateful you dont give a shit about anyone or anything. Let me help you out, I know all about it, remember?

CIA for PIG

Issue Under Analysis: Episcopal church leaders and their accepting of gays

“Episcopal Bishops Reject Ultimatum on Gays”. 21 March 2007. NewsMax.com. 30May 2007.


In the world today, there are so many types of people. Straight, gay, bisexual, bicurious, transexual, transgender, the list goes on and on. That’s not to say none of these people existed in earlier times, it’s just that they are now able to openly express themselves in today’s society.

In the article, the Episcopalian Church has rejected the Anglicans views on not accepting gay bishops into the church, and it almost causes the Episcopalian church to be excommunicated with the Anglican Communion. The Anglican leaders met back in February and came up with an ultimatum for the U.S. demonination. They gave Episcopalians until Sept. 30 to pledge not to consecrate another partnered gay bishop or authorize official prayers to homosexuals. Although the Episcopalians know that they could lose a lot of members of the church, they are sticking to their decisions on this topic.

What I don’t understand is why people have to be so damn ignorant all the time. Throughout history, men had same sex partners, even when married. I think I learned that back in 9th grade world history. The Romans did it, the Greeks did it, everyone had a same sex partner as well as an opposite sex partner. How come people didn’t think anything of it back then? Then Christianity came along, and they said “ Homosexuals are sinners against the lord” whereas there was even homosexuality being accepted in the bible! As was incest, but that’s a different story. So what’s the big deal now a days who has sex with who and what gender they are? Each and everyone of us was told that we were special and unique when we were little, correct. I do believe I am correct on that. So, if we are all “special and unique”, then why cant we accept other people different than what we think is the norm? There is no normal in this world, there is only crazy, messed up people, and everyone of them is “special and unique.” And who are these bishops and popes to decide who can believe what, and why? Religion is a preference of choice, and everyone has the right to practice their own beliefs, so who are the Anglicans to tell the Episcopalians not to accept gays? Big deal, they are gay. Well guess what, the Christians and Catholic priests and such touch little boys. I think that that’s a bigger issue than allowing gays into the church. There are much much much bigger issues than homosexuality in this society, so I think everyone should stop focusing on that, and start focusing on bigger things, like closing the gap between the rich and poor, and more financial aid for students and more insurance for the poor, just to name a few. I learned in religion class ( I know, surprising isn’t it? I was raised Catholic, but now practice a form of paganism called wicca) that everyone was created in god’s image. So, if that is true, god is gay, god is muslim, god is transgender, god is everything American society hates, which would mean that America is against god. So, if you’re a devout Christian or Catholic or any form of Christianity, are you against god because you are against homosexuality, a bigot, a racist? It would only be logical to believe so.

Just Like Heaven - The Cure

"Show me how you do that trick"
"The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone, alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry I have feelings

I'm sorry I don't agree with you

I'm sorry I can't live like you

I'm sorry I can't satisfy you

I'm sorry that I'm so evil

I'm sorry that I feel love

I'm sorry that I'm not perfect

I'm sorry that I'm no angel

I'm sorry I can't be what you want

I'm sorry I'm not the perfect daughter

I'm sorry that my heart is black

I'm sorry that I turned out wrong

I'm sorry if I am immoral

I'm sorry if I hurt you

I'm sorry for wanting love

I'm sorry for being lonely

I'm sorry that I'm not you

I'm sorry that I don't think like you

I'm sorry for not acting like you

I'm sorry that I didn't turn after you

I'm sorry for making my own choices

I'm sorry I don't want you controlling my life

I'm sorry that nothing goes right with me

I'm sorry that my soul is made of ice

I'm sorry I don't believe in God
I’m sorry I was born

I'm sorry for everything I've done

I'm sorry that it all felt right to me

I'm sorry that I'm selfish

I'm sorry that I'm mean

I'm sorry that I'm spoiled

I'm sorry that I'm a brat

I'm sorry for not being good

I'm sorry that I'm not open

I'm sorry for being honest

I'm sorry for lying to you

I'm sorry for acting like me

I'm sorry for thinking like me

I'm sorry for feeling like me

I'm sorry for being me

Are you happy now?

I apologized for everything you hate

I apologized for everything I'm not

I'm sorry, but I find it hard to love you anymore...

My Father..

He was never there

He never cared

He wasn't a father

He was alcoholic

He physically and emotionally abused my mother

He emotionally and verbally abused me

How could he do such a thing?

The drinking and fighting

It never stopped

It kept me awake at night

Cause they were always in a fight

It's all his fault

I hate him for what he's done

No, hating is wrong

So does that mean I can't shun?

I don't care I don't want to be near him

I don't want to talk to or see him

I don't want him around

I will hate him if I want to

I will shun him if I want to

I will hurt him if I want to

I will tell him if I want to

He deserves to be hurt just like he hurt me

I don't see why not Can you tell why my temper shouldn't be so hot?

I don't think you can

I don't know why I even tried

To have a relationship with him

He wasn't worth any of my time

He's not even worth a dime

I don't think I'll ever want him in my life

He didn't care about how much he hurt me

His abuse hurt me more than words can say

Because of him, I'll be scarred for the rest of my days

I could have had a good life if it weren't for him

He's probably the reason why my light is so dim

He's got my mind screwed up

I have low self - esteem because of him

Don't lecture me about fathers

And their relationships with their daughters

Cause I don't want to hear it

It's bad enough I had to live it

People always lecturing me about how I need my father

Enough of that shit!

I don't consider myself his daughter

It's just as well if he died on the spot

I probably wouldn't even go to the funeral

That's how he hurt me so bad

I wouldn't be surprised if he actually went to hell

I know what I'm saying about him is very sad

How would you feel if your father threw your relationship away?

Would you try to get it back after so many years?

Or would you just let it pass on by like the passing days?

I gave up after ten years of trying

I didn't see the point anymore

And my self - esteem was slowly dying

What would you do if your father emotionally abused you?

Would you even give him another thought after your parents divorced?

Would actually try even though the rest of your spirit might die?

Would you hate him for the rest of your life?

Would you still love him or maybe on that think twice?

I don't see how I could ever love him again

I don't care if I ever see him again

I don't want to hear from him again

I don't want to go through hell again

Don't you dare lecture me ever!

I don't want to hear it!

Just thinking about him makes me shudder!

Just leave it alone its none of your business!

If you went through something similar

Then you'll understand

And if you don't understand

Then I'll dismiss you with the back of my hand

Don't anybody dare say I need him!

Don't anybody dare say those mother fucking words!

I'll never need him again!

He's just a mother fucking bastard!

Well, that's how I feel

So don't read on if you can't deal

I don't know what I feel at times

Sometimes I think this sometimes I don't

I'll never say I love him

Everybody knows I fucking won't

If you don't like the cursing then too bad!

Don't read on if it makes you fucking mad!

The cursing helps me explain how I feel

Yes, everything in this poem about my feelings is real

So if you can't handle something so surprising

Then I'm warning you now, there's much more to come

What I'm saying may be unbelievable

But believe it!

Every little word is true

He tossed me away like nothing more than a rotten old shoe

I'm sick of his lies

I'm sick of his broken promises

I know he doesn't deserve all of this

And it sort of makes me feel bad for feeling this

But he can't just walk back into my life

Like nothing happened at all

He can't play with my feelings

I'm not a mother fucking dol

l He acts like nothing has happened

Like we still have a relationship

Well I've got news for that idiot

He ended it a long time ago!

Sure, he'll call every now and then

But that doesn't mean I want to or I'm going to talk to him

What does he expect after so many years of neglect?

Just for me to be happy and not let my anger reflect?

I can't do that

I'm not going to hide what I feel

He's going to have to deal with it

Cause these feelings are real

Sorry dad

But I want no part of you

You hurt me bad enough

You actually think I'm going to forgive you?

Well sorry, but I'm not!

You're the reason my temper's so hot!

You know what you did mother fucker!

So don't you dare act dumb

You know you abused

You know you were always out all night

You know the reason why mom was always crying

You know the reason you two were always in a fight

I won't believe you're hurt from what I've said

You don't even care

Don't you even thinking of playing anymore mind games

Don't you even fucking dare

I'm so sick of all your excuses

I'm so sick of your mother fucking act

The only reason you wanted my mom

Was for the sex

You hurt her so deeply

You're not even sorry?

You don't deserve forgiveness

You know you don't

Don't even think I'm going to forgive you

You know I won't

You know you're a fucker

You know you don't deserve anything

I won't believe for a second

That you're just going to start caring

I know you won't

And you know you won't

You can't fool me with your lies anymore

If you try another mind game

You won't even get a score

There's no reason for you to be hurt or sore

What do you expect

If what you've done you don't regret?

I sure damn won't forgive you

If you don't care at all

You fucked up the home life

Now you have to live with it

You made your bed

Now you have to lie in it

You lost her

You lost me

We won't come crawling back

That I can guarantee

Now you're all alone with nothing to do

Except fuck that slut you're with now

I bet that'll be a lot of fun

You can't blame me look what you've done!

I don't want an alcoholic for a father

You didn't want a daughter

So why do you keep calling me?

Stop all fucking ready!

I've had enough!

If you really want to make this work

Then leave me alone for a while so I can sort things out!

I don't want to hate you

But you leave me no choice

If you just let me sort things out

Then maybe we can talk face to face instead of voice to voice

Just cool it for a while

Leave me alone

Maybe I won't hate you anymore

Maybe I can surprise with how much I've maturely grown

I know you didn't mean to make me miserable

But that's still no excuse

I can't forgive you for what you've done right now

You've scarred me from all of the abuse

So just stay hidden for a while

Don't talk to me either

Maybe if you do that I can get things together

Just give me some space

Let me walk my pace

So I can get my feelings together

I think maybe that would make things better

RIP JOE DOERFLER

rip joe " dorffy" doerfler

forever in my heart.

http://videos.phototributes.com/Buranichfh/DoerflerFamily_files/DoerflerFamily.html

FCC EULOGY

i wrote this for a friend last night as a favor. He read it on his radio show last night as a Fuck you. :) hope you enjoy it as much as they did.


Dearly beloved,
I am sorry for the death of fcc. He was hated by all. If only we hadn’t effed him up the other night when he caught us breaking those wonderful rules of his. His amazing sense of humor shut us all up and his sweet nature allowed us all to become zombies of the air waves. We have all enjoyed watching our words and when we forget about those wonderful rules, we are all punished by the famous bleep. I am happy to say we have done away with this wonderful amazing person and he will not be missed.
We are free to say what we want again.

note to self:

I should have written this first off. But my poetry is more important. My name is Chels. I write poetry.. :) obviously. My poetry reflects me and the hardships I have gone through and the pain and anguish I have personally felt. If you do not like this, or are offended in anyway, please dont comment me and tell me I need help or that I am pyschotic. I will not be offended in anyway and it is just plain childish to do that. If you dont like it, dont read it. And for those of you who personally know me already... this might be a side you've never seen.

Feel free to comment if you enjoy this, or would like to share a similar feeling.


xoxox,
DeathbyDolls.

My Graveyard

Gleaming moon
Shining full overhead
The ghastly sight
Its hardly more than enough
Overcome with a sensation
So dreadful, cant turn back
Fog hangs eerily around
The stones of the dead
Floating
The dread is powerful,
But will is greater
One step closer
And sitting down
Fog engulfs everything
Snap! A noise
Sensations are overpowering
The nerves
Lightheaded and dizzy
Creeping slowly along the ground
Waves of chills enter the spine
Heart beats faster
Heavy breathing
Snap! A noise
Closer this time.

Movement in the dark

Silence
Its mind numbing
Blood runs cold
There’s nothing
It’s the mind playing a trick
Too quiet
Something’s wrong
Shaking
Filled with dread
“ its just my mind”
Overload.
Crash!
Unable to move
Muscles tense
A shadow
Floating
It cant be
A glitter in the dark
Spray of darkness on the wall
Silence.

Anger #5

Whisper to God your prayers
to keep away the nightmares
Then dare to look inside
in that place where you hide
So wipe away the tears
and tell me all your fears
to compare them all to mine
you'll watch me cross the line
Show me the wrists that you slit
and tell me about your pit
then look deep into my eyes
and see where real pain lies
I know you can't compare
with my evil stare
So silence to all your lies
I'm deaf to all your cries
For you I can't feel
because your pain's not real
You may think you're dead
but it's all inside your head
Let time remove your tears
and get yourself away from here
because it's you that I seekto feed the small and weak
It's now things turn bleak...

Chasing Rainbows

Open up your heartache
and let in all the lies
keep on searching for love
until the tears run dry
You don't know why
your heart never heals
traveling between heartbreaks
on the back of ideals
You're just waiting for the clouds to part
and for a rainbow to light the way
Yet the skies are forever gray
You tell yourself that everything is o.k.
Another guy wasn't good enough
and tomorrow is another day
looking around
so lost and confused
not knowing where to go
or what you're supposed to do
You're just waiting for the clouds to part
and a rainbow to light the way
Yet the skies are forever gray
You look into a mirror
that you're too scared to touch
fourteen years of this
is thirteen years too much
looking for another bed
to rest your raging mind
though your eyes remain wide open
your soul still wonders blind
You're just waiting for the clouds to part
and a rainbow to light the way
Yet the skies are forever gray

MY DEDICATION TO IAN

February 17, 2006 at 02:02 AM
It is with great sorrow that I have to report that Ian passed away yesterday February 16, 2006. Ian was under total sedation and passed very peacefully. He had fought long and hard but unfortunately lost the fight with the infection that was ravaging his body. I will post further information when it is available.



RIP IAN.
I’LL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU.
I LOVE YOU.




Ian "Glory" Carr Age 16, of Flint, died, Thursday, February 16, 2006 at U of M Medical Center, Ann Arbor, after a long, courageous battle with large T-cell non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Ian Patrick Theodore Carr was born April 4, 1989 in Flint and had attended Hamady High School. Surviving are mother, Debi Carr; grandparents, Harry (Alice) Carr, Jr.; aunt, Alicia Millstead; uncles, Harry (Denell) Carr III, Michael (Lea) Carr. Ian is also survived by many other family members and relatives, best friends,Chelsea Parker, Nick Crandall and Nathan Horton; and many other close friends too numerous to mention. Special thanks to all of the medical caregivers who provided an unbelievable love and genuine care for Ian during his stays. Ian's favorite interests were video games, Japanese anime, Star Wars and professional wrestling.




You were my best friend. and I promised I'd write your biography. I'm on my way :) I love you. And I miss you. You were more than I ever expected. You will always be in my heart.

Insomnia 2

I die in my sleep every night
Murdered by the countless slashes
On my wrists
Made by myself
Ordered by the master
I sleep not, not wanting to hear his voice
Haunting my dreams, never a sweet word
Wanting me to do his every awful deed
Killing myself the only way out
Of the garish night terror.
Sleepless nights pass,
No orders, no demands, never a sweet word
I die in my sleep every night
After I murder everyone else.
Only to make sure I am purely alone,
Alone in my haunting sleep
Never a sweet word uttered
As I raise the blade to my throat
Utterly alone, no one to save me
In my haunting sleep
Turning back time, saving nothing,
Wanting everything
I fall deeply,
Ordered by the master,
Into my murderous sleep.
I wish not to sleep.
So haunting, so charming.
He tells me this shouldn’t be a dream.
But reality
No more sleepless nights,
No more orders.
No more terrors.
Forever rest.

If only I had the strength.

Moonlight and the Spider Web

On a cold clear night
You can step out into the moonlight
The coldness washes over you
As you stand there mesmerized
There’s no feeling there
Just a trance like state
The glowing light is radiating
It is breathtaking
Glancing to the side,
You shiver, noticing a spider web
Shimmering in the glow of the chilling moon
Dazzling with raindrops from that day’s shower
You take a deep breath
Inhaling the sweet smell of honeysuckle
Peaceful and serene
You cannot move your legs
Everything’s perfect here in this nighttime world
You stay there till sun up.
Praying for night to come again.

An Ode To An Ungrateful Man

Hello again
I haven’t spoken to you in awhile
I don’t want you to know how I am
Nor do I care how you are
Your voice increases my anger
I hate you, ungrateful man
You act like everything’s perfect
Perfect just like you huh?
Your assets mean nothing, Daddy
You criticize everything about me, ungrateful man
Nothing I do is good enough
You don’t know the real me, Daddy
And I’m not about to show you
Sometimes I want to rip out your throat, Daddy
For all those things you said that were mean
Sometimes I want to bash in your teeth Daddy
Gonna use your tongue as a stamp
Gonna rip out your heart the way you did mine Daddy
Please remember
I hate you ungrateful man.

the moment on the lawn

Your arms wrapped around me on this night
As we lay under the gorgeous starlight
I think we are in the dark abyss
And I’ll savor every moment of this


The starlight is an amazing image
My heart is not in its endless ravage
And I believe that I am in sheer bliss
And I’ll savor every moment of this.


Everything disappears when you’re around
My life is never ending and will be bound
I am starved for the taste of your kiss
And I’ll savor every moment of this

insomnia 1

The blackness engulfs me
As I stare at my wall
Sleep never seems to come
I lay there thinking of why
Everything has happened
The dark night is familiar to me
My body is never resting.
My mind never resting
Insomniac

Pain 1

The pain comes eventually.
Whether that person loves me or not
The never ending pain
Pain that makes me want to scream
That makes me want to tear down all my walls
And just cry out.
But I cant cry out anymore.
I wont tell that anything is wrong.
There is nothing I can do
It was their decision
Not mine.
The consequences tear me apart…
I cant cry over this
Its impossible for me.
Its not the first time I’ve been hurt.
And I know it wont be my last
Pain is there
A constant reminder on my wrist..
My wall of shame.

the dreams

Show me all the secrets you hold
Show me all the pain you feel
Change me into the new me
The me you want me to be
If you cant love me as me
Then change me, mold me, sculpt me
Tear my heart out
Shatter my soul
Take away my freedoms
Take away my thoughts
My dreams and reality
I belong to you
I am everything you want me to be
You made me
You fucked me over
And I still come back
I am loyal
You cant say I’m not
I am nothing
Except broken pieces
Swept under the rug
Swept under By you
I hate you.

the girl in the back row

Look at her
Her chilling icy stare
The way she has her hair
Look at her
Those cuts on her wrists
The scars on her soul
She sits with friends
But she is alone.
They are giggling and gossiping
She is quiet and thoughtful
I wonder what she’s seen
In her short life
Does she live in reality?
Or does she live with her pain?
Inside. Locked and caged?
Look at her
I wonder if she has a heart
Or if it’s been ripped out
And shattered into a million pieces?


I guess we’ll never know
She killed herself last night.

no one

see me slip again
I’ve been down this road before
the cuts on my wrist show my pain
the hurt and agony of everything
wear at my heart
I feel nothing now
I’m slipping into darkness
and no one is here to save me
I’m frightened
I don’t know how long ill be gone this time
it gets worse every time
I hit the bottom
I’m struggling for air
I’m drowning
and no one is here to save me
everyone is blind to see what’s happening
there are no warning signs showing thru
to any one but me
my voice can’t escape me
no words can help save me now
I want to let it all go.
stop struggling
let myself slip into darkness.
but everyone needs me and I have no one
to save me

replacement

Someday this ring won’t
Cut its tell-tale mark into my skin
Someday that haunting melody
Won’t tease the tears to fall
Someday my youth will fade
Convience perhaps.
Content in another face
Someday I may forgive myself
For everything you have replaced

shattered again

I lay shattered on the floor
At your feet
I could not comprehend the words
You were saying
And as you continued
I understood
My heart broke
My stomach dropped.
I feel how I used to.
After my father would beat me down with words
I never realized you could
Do this to me
Never knew you could hurt me with your words also
And now I lay at your feet
Shattered into a million pieces
All because you said “I don’t need you anymore”