PER MOLESTIAS ERUDITIO

Updates since 11/10

2008-02-18T19:48:00.002-07:00

I left out a few, those were unimportant, but heres the most of it.

2/3/08
Since ive started working full time for wachovia, im happier. I dont think about the bad that much anymore. all I focus on is doing my job, and having fun. Im happy there. I love it. and now that Ive got Lissa as my friend, Ive got someone my own age to talk to, and she gets me. Im happy douche is doing bad, and Im doing so well. MR and I have gotten better too, and finally after two years, we're getting back on track.
I miss MK too. alot. but i guess everything I left in NY is the past... theres no going back to it now. Just gotta keep moving forward.

i dont even know why I'm writing this right now.
whatever.

12/16/07
Im very bitter and cynical right now so youll have to excuse all this. thanks to the bitch, I got fucked out of almost 8 thousand dollars for financial aid. which means, no college for me next semester. BUT! I get to stay in alabama. ( yay, my one excitement.) Thing is, to make up for the school, im going to get a full time job, or work 2 part times. ( I need something to do with that extra time.) Also, since UAB keeps fucking me over as well when it comes to getting my paychecks on time, Im going to quit the clinic once i find another job ( which will be when I come home from NY). I dont want to go home right now, mainly out of fear of whats going to happen when I see my mom. Im either going to kill her with my bare hands, or its going to be world war 1000 at the house. Neither of them I want. Im stressed out bc of finals, have had several anxiety attacks over the last week, and all i want to do is either get completely shitfaced or kill someone, or maybe both. I hate the fucking world, and I hate my luck even more, I was working my fucking ass off for financial aid, and thanks to her and the school, I cant get it to work out. THANKS TO THE GOVERNMENT!! fuck you.
On top of all that nice shit, Im sick again. whoopdeefuckingdoo.
fuck this.
i wish i could sleep.but noooo, i cant even sleep. and ive got a final in the am.

i want the entire world to explode, and just about everyone to die when it does blow up.

(champagne Cocaine Vicodin Atarol Nicotine Caffeine Percosets Halodol)i want ALL of those in my system right now. thatd make me somewhat happy. i guess

11/17/07
My dog Caesar died this morning of a brain tumor. I was told a couple of weeks that all that was wrong was an ear infection ( fucking retarded doctors). He continually got worse and lost alot of weight. My mom was told to take him to Cornell today, and by the time they got there, he was blind in both eyes, and his legs would not work. After being there 30 minutes, my baby boy passed...
= [
I love you baby. <3 = [

11/15/07
Dont go screaming to your mom because she told Kim that you moved out. I knew you were backstabbing me tuesday with that question " How would you feel if I went and hung out with girls that liked and wanted to date me?". Im sorry Im not as retarded as you are, and Im not as dumb as you thought I was. Obviously, you dont fucking know a damn thing about me. I can connive better than you, I can manipulate better than you, I can bullshit better than you, Im smarter than you, I am just plain better than you. And if you think you can come running back at any point, the answer is no. You used me, you lied to me, you backstabbed me. Now, since you did tell me a whole bunch of your dirty lil secrets, I suggest you either start paying me back all the money I spent on you, OR your dirty lil secrets will be spilled.
You wanted to see the real me, well heres one side of it.
I can be your worst fucking nightmare.

11/14/07
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
that was me trying to get out my anger.
since I have no where else I can scream

You used me, you tried to manipulate, and you couldnt, so you left.
fuck you douchebag.

Sorry Im not a 14 yr old bitch that can be manipulated into living in mommys backyard. Obviously I dont even want to live with my own mother, so why the fuck would I want to live in someone else's parents backyard?

And guess what, I am too fucking good for you. I am smarter than you, I have goals, I have ambition, and I rarely let anything anything or anyone stand in my fucking way. I get what I want, no matter the fucking obstacles. and guess what, I do not want you anymore.
So, in the words of anna and I, fuck off, eat shit and die. = ]

and yes, I still have a whole lot more ranting to do about your scumbag ass.
but this weekend, Im going to fucking party and do everything you never wanted me to do, like have fun.

11/11/07
Im terribly lonely. Im terribly confused. I dont know how to focus on myself, like you want me to. I only know how to take care of people. I only know how to take care of the people in my life, and to take the focus off of my problems. You just forced me into focusing on myself, because you know I have absolutely no one here to focus on but you. and now, you arent here, and i am lost. I go to school and work, in a mindless numb state. I dont think about what happened, I want to pretend it didnt happen, but I cant.
All I know is that I do everything for everyone, and put myself last. I am perfectly happy with that. I would give the homeless guy on the street $50 if I had it, and know I helped someone. and right now, I feel useless.
I am trying to get my life to the point where I can help people, its what I want to do for the rest of my life, because I have no other skills, I dont know anything but to be mom. and Im sorry if I cant make you happy, and you cant accept that sometimes, yes I do become Mom. I only want to help everyone, especially the people I love. Talk to anna, she'll tell you how I have sat and cried because I gave $300 of my savings to my best friend, knowing that he was going to buy DRUGS and not FOOD like he told me. Money means hardly anything to me as long as my bills get paid. I could have nothing, and be happy as long as I was taking care of someone, and had someone to love and be happy with.

If you doubt anything, talk to anna. she'll tell you anything. since you obv dont know me that well, she is the best person to talk to about me. shes been my best friend for 8 years, shes seen me in every possible state of mind....and i know she loves me, regardless.

I am now going to go cry for the first time since wednesday night.

my baby cat, amore, just scared the living shit out of me. now, as some of you know, shes a fucked up cat. she has bronchitis, which makes her sound funny when she coughs. she also has a tendency to lick people and then bite them when shes done licking them. ( which is usually pretty funny if someone isnt awake of what shes going to do. ) But tonight, she woke me up out of a dead sleep because she was having a seizure. She was thrashing about, wetting herself and making Cujo sounding noises. It was one of the scariest things ever. I seriously thought she was going to die. = [ Then when she got calmed down, she had another one, so I ended up waking my cousin up so I could give her meds.

= [ i seriously dont ever want that to happen again......

UPDATES

2007-11-10T22:01:00.000-07:00

Here are some updates from my myspace blog. Copy and pasted from most current blog (11/10) to last blog.

11/10 - Today was very interesting

So today was quite interesting and fun. My cousin Kim and I started out to get my car insurance switched over, which we did. And then from there, we went to the whistle stop cafe (( which yes, i really like fried okra and fried green tomatoes, im becoming a southerner more and more by the minute.)) After that, we went alll around town. We went to the vulcan (( pics are up in a separate folder)), then we just went sight seeing. We went down Morris Ave, which is fucked up, because its old old old cobblestone road, and then we went to the Golden Temple (( awsome shop!! twice the size of Seven Rays!)) and then we went to clairmont ave, which we went into a vintage clothing store and the Naked Art Museum. = ] so all in all, it was a very good day, kept my mind off of shit. = ]

I fucking love birmingham. = ]

ps. i also now know where the good bars are located.

11/9 -Weird Emotions.
Things have been fucked up. But alot of it is my fault. I dont feel like going into it tho. I am working everyday not tho, and its hard work. Constantly looking up new people, going and getting the file, which is a bitch to do, putting files back, running errands for the nurses, being on my feet all the time, and my fingers are now callused. It sucks, but im making good money. I think I might be hanging with Carlee this weekend, which would be good to hang out with a girl and let loose a little.

Im dealing I guess. I dont know what else to do. = [

i feel empty and numb. i guess im coping. oddly enough, Im not mad, or irritated. more frustrated and confused. but I wont think about it until I really have to. I dont want to drive myself insane anymore than i think i am.

" Focusing on school and work." woot. *sarcasm*

11/7 - Kill Me
Ok, so Im a huge fuckup. I cant do anything right, I cant make anyone happy, and I just dont know what the fuck to do anymore. If I knew how to make everything perfect, I would, but I cant. So I sit there and listen to all the problems I have, and we have, and I just want to make everything better for YOU, and if that means you get rid of me, then I'll deal with it. But right now, I want to cut, I want to scream and cry, I want to be held and told everything will be ok. But none of thats going to happen, so maybe I should just take more tylenol to make my headache go away and hope for the best while I lay awake for the rest of the night. Fuck this

10/24 Changes
Ok, so since Ive been here, Ive noticed that Ive changed. I cook more ( yeah, lol me cook ), Im more domestic ( yeah, i not only cook now, but I clean as well.) Im also more rational and practical. Im not as spontaneous and loud, Im more quiet and reserved ( not that I like that change) and Ive become wiser. I realized alot about my family, especially about my mom and dad, that personally, i think they should have just told me. Im more or less jotting my thoughts down because Im bored, and theres really nothing left for me to clean. I also realized that having a check card, will and can get you into some major shit, and to save your money is the best thing anyone can do. ( other than to pay off their debts.) Im grateful that I have dewayne, hes been a huge help, and even though I dont thank him enough, I know I should. Its been a confusing time, where Im rediscovering myself, and its scary. Im not used to this new person, the adult like, responsible one. Im thinking that I have to pick up a second job, especially since UAB is screwing me out of my paychecks. There are times where all I want to do is go home, crying, saying that I failed, and that Ill never make it, but that isnt me. If I was to go home right now, it would show that I couldnt make it, and that I have to rely on my parents for everything, and I dont want to do that. I want to give the ultimate fuck you to the parker family, and Im doing it. I am not the fucked up, depressed, pill popping, cutter that they think I am, that I used to think I was. My entire family is fucked up, not just me, but my old habits werent ME, they were an escape. Yes, I still smoke, thats one habit I cant exactly stop now ( it feels tooo good in the morning, and after...things.) But Im learning to not hold back, to show me, whoever me is. and yes, im homesick, and all i want is my old room, with my bed and everyone at the house having fun, but that isnt going to happen. ( Unless yall wanna move down here to be with me, cause thatd be fucking fabulous!!).
Its confusing. Im confused, and tired.

10/9 I know somethings wrong, I just dont know what
I know somethings been bothering me alot lately, I just dont know exactly what it is. I know I've been worried about my brother, mom and grandma and papa lately, and Ive got some money issues, and Ive been angry with both my parents, but none of that should cause me to be the bitch I have been. I know I have been really homesick lately too, I just dont want to admit it. I am not used to being alone all the time, I want to be able to sit on the back porch with Erich and Rob talking and making prank phone calls, or going to the underpass late at night with Kenific, having Ashley show up at random times at the house, cuddling with Anna, going to Fresnos and Dennys, roadtrips with Lauren, 9 mile creek, and the Sanctuary. Porn shops with Liz and Redneck. I miss it all. I mean, I do love alabama, but I miss everyone. and its making me be a bitch, and I dont want to be mean. I want some of my old normalcy, some of the chaos and commotion, the laughing and joking around, the yelling with Erich and Mom. I know Im mad at Mom, and shes still mad at me for leaving, and that I complain when she bitches at me over the phone, but for 5 minutes, I want to be in the living room, with my arms crossed, yelling at her with her yelling back, telling me that I cant do something. I never thought I would miss that. I miss Grandma most though. After spending so much time with Dewaynes grandparents, it makes me miss grandma and papa even more. Fuck, I even miss West Genny. I just hate being alone here without the normal commotion...

I hope this feeling passes soon, I cant continue to be a bitch.

9/11 Homesick
I've been pretty homesick lately. And I've felt the urge to drive home as soon as possible. But then I realized, that no one would greet me when I got there. I have a new life here, and everyone at home as a new life too, a new life where I dont fit in. I am not included in everyone's new lives, just as they are not really included in mine. Im fearing that the two weeks for christmas is going to be a disaster, that I am not going to be able to see everyone, and I'm seriously contemplating bring Dewayne home with me now as well as in June. Hes the only one I have right now, the only person that is there to take care of me when I need to be, and the person I talk to every single day. I couldnt ask for a better boyfriend, especially since I havent been the happiest person in the world when I realize how alone I really was down here. I just want to be a part of the lives of my closest friends, but I guess I have to suffer the consquences since I did want this huge change for myself.

Oh, how I want to lay down, binging on nachos and soda with you, anna. and the backrubs. and the laughing. btw, butt paste is one of my new fav words. I love you.... please include me......

time for wonderful school now.
fuck.

8/27 This is Foreign
Things are falling into place.
and Im happy. like, really happy.
no depression, no thoughts of cutting or suicide. no wanting pills, no nothing.
it feels good.
the only problem right now is the job factor.
but that should be resolved very soon. :)

and I have an amazing guy. I dont know how I got him, but I did. and I couldnt be happier. :) (( southern boys are the fucking best!! ))

Its mindblowing how great things are going.

but i still miss camillus and everyone ( ok, just about everyone in it )

UPDATE: I got the fucking job at UAB!!!!!!!!!!

8/18 Missing Everything
Ok, so after the last week here, i am just breaking down. I have been completely on my own, with no one to hold my hand through anything. I mean, the new independence is great, dont get me wrong, I proved to myself that I can handle more than what I thought I could, but being alone.... makes me think more than I should. Tonight I was with my cousin and her boyfriend, and seeing them together, makes me miss all the nights on the couch, and cuddling with him. And just everything. I saw this group of kids hanging out at the sonic here, and it reminded me of the nights spent at dennys and walmart, the underpass and school dances and the parties at the house. I didnt think it would affect me this much, but at this moment, I would do anything to run home, jump on my bed and hug everyone. I know this is my own doing, my own fault, no one to blame, and I take responsibility for my decision to move down here. But it doesnt stop the pain any less. Oh, and what I wouldnt give to be down in the sanctuary in the pouring rain, just laughing with everyone again. Or the last saturday I was there, the party... and the after everyone left party.. and I miss being cuddled up in my bed with anna, and the backrubs, and the road trips with lauren, and blasting loud music, and the nights just chilling with erich and rob..

whatever, i need to stop remembering things. maybe if i just block everything out, i'll feel better.. and stop trying to depend on him to help me, bc he wont.......
no one will.

im going to go cry for the first time since I got here.

8/9 Things to be Missed
Anna
Lauren
Mike
Kaelynne
Ezzo & Becka
Liz
Brandon
Rob
Erich
Ashley
Matt
Greg
Andrew
Kelly
Gozzi
Rizzo
Lorber
Corey
The kids
The druggies
Foodbag
The sanctuary
Kirbys
Walmart
Grumpies pit
late nights on the phone
sleeping with anna
backrubs
movies
pills
parties
sitting on the deck till whenever
hugs
kisses
cuddles
random roadtrips
FUTZ!
MOOOO!!!
walking in the rain
pretending to be indians to make the rain come with anna
everything with anna
everything with lauren
everything with mike
late nights with andrew
messy room
black lights
dennys nights with Liz
Taco Bell with Liz
Wegmans with Lauren
9 fucking mile creek!!
webcam day
alex bay
utica
waterloo
" HI, IM CHELSEA PARKER AND I WANT TO GO THRU AUBURN AND WE END UP IN ROMULUS!"
scotia
babysitting
mom yelling
erichs bullshit
drama in west genny oh gosh
!pig out nights with anna
swimming half naked with lauren
the couch
"We like bumfuck"
Nosedrops
ambien
hiphop
July 4th, 2005
prank calls
"Anna, act normal." " BLOPP!"
B wing lockers
The Window
darien lake
seabreeze
railroad tracks
the underpass
shove park
green lakes
balloon fest
solvay field days
cleaning my room with anna
watching the guys skate
the community drug phone
August 4th 2007
40 fucking mountain dews
tv nights with mom
going to dinner with grandma
fighting with erich
the smokes
Ice cream *wink*
townshop
bville
the graveyard
dancing in the road
laying in the middle of the road
shouting out the car windows
erichs and rizzos.....gas
robs laugh
moms faces
grandmas odd comments
mikes lack of comments
anna all together
lauren all together
laurens car
tanning
handcuffs
tying robert up
almost hitting the retard on purpose with the car
playing in the rain with ashley
ashleys late night drop byes
grave hopping with Kaelynne
the sanctuary with Kaelynne
funny faces
weird noises
the yelling and fighting
the swearing
making comments to kelly about things in PIG
Paoli's class
6/7 studyhall with lorber
health class
decorating my room
the loves
running up and jumping on people
"KISS DAY"
"HUG DAY"
Justin and Greg
being a voodoo baby
the closet
the hallway
the music.
nakedness
falling asleep with anna.
sleepless nights
letting loose
being wild
being the lil rebel
being the outcast
my bedroom
my computer
the neighbors
Mackay Ave
Kinneys
taking walks with anna for food
subway
fresnos
tullys
dennys
Camillus and Syracuse in general...
and just about everyone in it.

8/9 No Goodbyes Like This
I watched him
walk away for the last time
and I wanted to scream
I never wanted to leave like this
after a night of no affection
no love, no thoughtful words
My heart breaks
but no tears are coming
not tonight
too numb
Tomorrow morning,
8 am
is the start of the new life
without him
without anyone that cares
maybe sleep will come if I am that lonely
maybe I can make it on my own
better than here
but I dont want to make it without him.
I didnt mean to fall
but I did, and hard too
Never meant to.
It's so hard now.
I dont want to say goodbye,
knowing it could be the very last time I ever see him.......

8/5 Last Night
Yesterday and last night were amazing. I cant thank everyone enough for coming over and just chilling at the house, and for all the excitement. It really showed me that I will be missed, and I will miss everyone else soo much.
Anna - You know everything already. You already know youre my best friend till the end, and that I am going to miss you like crazy. Youve always been there for me, and I love you so much for it. I wish you could come with me, because without you, I know how lonely I'm going to be, so Im going to call you every night. = ]

Mike - I cant thank you enough either. There are so many things I want to say to you, but I cant, but you know what they are already. Just having you be here meant so much to me last night, and I am so happy you had a good time with everyone and *GASP!* you talked. lol I also want to thank you for being so cool with my brother, that means alot to me too even though he can be a lil shit sometimes.. You have no idea how much I'm going to miss you. I love you Mike <33

Lauren - I love you, you have become my little sister. I would do anything for you, and you know that. I will miss you sooo much, and going on our roadtrips, I will always cherish those. I'll miss you so much, and I'll call everyday too. Please stay safe, and remember that I love you. <3

7/27 Sleepless
Sleepless nights
Stale cigarettes
Racing thoughts
What am I to do now?
The pills the doctor prescribed arent working...
"Will make you fall asleep."
Ha! What a laugh
It's failing me
My sanity is going
I'm starting to fall
The littlest things piss me off
No control, no emotions
Just anger
Icy glares, snide remarks
Just want to get away
730 am, cold coffee
So confused, so frustrated
I'm leaving soon
Maybe it'll be better there
Need caffeine
sleep
pills
nicotine
love
Anything to make me feel better.
===================================================
No sleep
again
for the 4th night
I dont know what I'm doing
I need him
just to tell me
everything will be ok
If he can make it,
why cant I?
But his pills work
mine seem to hate me
Oh, how lucky he is.
I can barely comphrend
what my mother is saying
it's turning into a buzzing far away sound
the tv is on
but I cant focus on it.
I cant focus on anything
why?
what am I doing wrong?
all I want is sleep.
something to make me feel happy and content
I cant feel.
its all numb now.
shes rambling on about how shes been awake since 430
oh poor mother, no sleep.
And you wonder why Im "cranky"
she asks whats wrong.
"Nothing. I'm fine."
I need something, alot of things.
but nothing she can give me
nothing works.
Just tell me, I'll be ok.
but I wont.
Just let everything be ok.

Alone?

2007-07-19T00:07:00.000-07:00

So, at 2:47 am, a horrible realization hits me. I NEED to be alone. I havent been 100% completely UNATTACHED from someone since prolly '04. Yes actually, thats right. Now, Im not a slut, but I always seem to have attachments. And with barely anytime betwe en the abusive mentally fucked up one, the emotional rollercoaster of a boyfriend who couldnt "handle" my life ( 2 fucking years goddamnit!), the one who didnt know how to "be there" for me, the two cheating boyfriends, the one that left came back left came back again and used me, I havent had any "alone" time. I am a jumble of emotions ranging from compassion and love, to rage and revenge. I feel like I need to be alone for awhile. No emotional attachments, no trusting anyone but myself, no "love". No nothing. I refuse to allow myself to get into another abusive relationship, whether physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. If I get into one, I will end up hating everyone and anyone, I will die alone. And that is not something I want. I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I can not carry around all these feelings with me for the next 50 years. And I have no reason to forgive anyone of them, and yet I have. I have even apologized multiple times to one ( and it wasnt just me that fucked this up either ), but its pathetic, that despite the fact that I hate being wrong, I apologized for things HE DID TO ME! Now, I think thats whats called being a better person. Because I can assure you, none of them are a "good man." None of them can live on their own, they all need. They do not know how to stand up and take responsibility when they fuck up, thats apparently my job. And I must say, I have taken care of more than my fair share in all of my relationships. But I need to be alone, away from everything. And I can not deal with anymore sappy shit. No more " Aww baby I love you." and if I ever have to hear " Awww baby please... just for me? Why wont you take just one for me?? I love you..." I will personally make sure you will not ever be able to have sex again. I will not take naked pics, I will not take topless pics. NO = NO. Most of you guys dont even mean shit to me, just because I talk to you, doesnt mean Im going to fuck you. Get it?

Now, for some people who read this (( oh yes, that means you )) I may sound like a complete and utter bitch. Good, thats what I want. Because I need to be alone, I need to get my own shit straightened out and I will not be asked any more fucking dumbass questions such as " Hey girl, do you think my big hard cock can pound your tight hot wet pussy sometime soon?" The answer is No. and if you ask me how I taste, lmfao youll be asked how you taste, and if you dont know, Ill talk you into licking your hand off. Then see how much you like getting a mouth full of cum! MMMMMM YUM! * rolls eyes*

whatever. go away.

Thank You's Are In Order

2007-07-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I want to say Thank You to everyone that fucked me over, backstabbed me, talked shit behind my back, and every other mean thing that everyone around here seems to do. Thank You. I really appreciate the motivation to get the fuck outta here. Because of every single one of you, I am even more motivated to get to alabama. And for everyone who doesnt think I'm going to make it down there, this is my fuck you to you. I am going to make it. I am going to fight for everything so that way, I will never have to come back here and see any one of you ever again. =]

and to Rizzo and Mike - Thank You for hurting me in the worst ways possible. You both have given me the strength to get out, and get more for myself. Because of you two, I hate syracuse, and you two make me more determined than ever to prove you both wrong. I am not the girl either one of you think I am, I am not to be fucked with anymore. So Thank You for making me a pissed off, motivated bitch. :)

except for lauren and anna, and some others that will remain nameless... i <3 you guys.

Happy Yet Torn

2007-07-08T18:17:00.000-07:00

Is it bad if I am torn between "bumfuck" and "nowhere" now? If he asked, I'd stay, but I cant... and I know he wouldnt ask... but I havent felt this happy in a long time ( besides how the 40 mountain dews made me feel last night ). I love him, he knows it, and he knows I'd do anything for him. I am just so torn.. before today, I've been packing and getting ready and busting my ass... and now, I'm sitting here in my room looking around, and I see his hat, and I can still smell him, still feel him holding on, and I want to cry.. I'll leave regardless, just like he did months ago, but now I have a reason to come home... if he's still here, if not I'm going to Cali. lol

and now, besides looking forward to leaving, I'm looking forward to australia next summer with him...... so any donations?? lol

god, i need to learn not to fall in love anymore.

Not that person?

2007-06-29T18:11:00.000-07:00

So I was sitting here last night, and I realized that I absolutely despise alot of people and things that are going on. I hate the fact that I'm being punished for things that I had no control over, I am being excluded from things because I'm leaving, so in my mind, they just dont give a shit. I hate that I am so "Popular" with all these guys now, but hardly any of them even realize that I am a person, and I wont just jump into bed with them, and that I am and will be a bitch if you're an idiot. I just wont deal with stupidity and drama anymore. You wanna put yourself down? Fine, go right ahead, but dont do it near me. You wanna talk shit about others? Thats fine too, and again, do it near me and I'll talk shit about you right to you're fucking face. You wanna sit there and shove you're views down someones throat? I'll point out how contradictory you are and prove to you that your a hypocrit.

I just dont want to deal with people. no one.

and for the people that think i am just a piece of ass, or that they can use me, DO NOT FUCK WITH ME. I am not the girl you can fuck with anymore. I will beat you down. I will defend myself. I will stand up for my beliefs and what is the truth, which unlike so many people in west genny think is right, they have no fucking idea.

Fuck Off, Eat A Dick and Die (6/17)

2007-06-29T18:09:00.000-07:00

You, who I love ( d ) so very much, can fuck off and die. Even on fucking graduation day You do NOT know how to put anything aside, and remeber the good times and reminsice. You are not a man, and never will be. I still treat You with respect and love, and You treat me like shit. But the fact of the matter is, is that You are the piece of shit. And the fucking remark about being "extra baggage", I got rid of that "extra baggage" awhile ago, I forgave and forgot. Whereas You hold onto everything I have ever done, but yet, you "convientely" forget everything You've ever done to hurt ME. But oh, I'm sure you'll hold on to that for forever. And to have MY best friend stick up for YOUR SORRY ASS is where I fucking draw the line. If You want her so bad, at least wait until I'm gone. You will never be a man. You will always be a selfish, bitter little boy. And I hope honest to god, that after I leave, I never see you again. I have moved on, You, on the other hand, cannot. My honest guess right now is that You either still love me very much, or do not know how to move on with Your life. I also much be honest and say that I think that if Your parents never taught You how to forgive and forget, You are fucked for the rest of You're life. You will always be alone, and You will bitch about it the entire time. I hope You have a horrible life, while I work my way up, and forget about you.

Fuck You.

Have a fucking horrible life asshole

I hope You know, You have hurt me more than anyone else ever has, and I hope it stays with You for the rest of You're life, that You ruined Youre relationship with the girl You were in love with. And You can never get it back.

Fuck Off and Die.
Trusted you
With my life
Shattered dreams
Broken glass
I hope there is closure
Down your path
For I have yet to find
The means to forgive
So what if you were all I had?
Is it over?
Wasting away
And forget to see
Go choose your way
Leaving everything
You walked away from this
Did it make it easier on you?
So what now?
Life must go on still haunted
You know how hard to face the day
I hope it is good for you
I tried, oh how I tried, but it's broken
Let me go,
I could have died

Misery is depressing (5/5)

2007-06-29T18:07:00.000-07:00

I was sitting at my favorite spot in the entire school, the window, our window, and I was listening to Chris go on about how he has the next 3 years in that school to have fun, fuck around and grow up. I realized I spent about two years of my life, sitting around that window, and its all gone. I'm mixed about it, because so many things have changed. My mornings had mainly consisted of going to the window with an ignorant idiot ( sorry, thats what you are.) and discussing life, or whatever else that went on. I wish I could have one more morning before I leave that school, but I sincerely doubt it will happen because the loser ( yes, thats you ) is being a fucking bitch. Im enraged by alot of things that have happened, but surprisingly, I wont miss that place. It was never a kind place. All I had to look forward to was my window, and Mercado's office, where I have spent a huge portion of my time this year, learning more in there than I have in any classroom over the last 4 years. There will be very few that I will miss when I move 1500 miles away, and abandon most of these people as " friends". Because, you know, they arent. I see now that I can count my true friends on one hand ( No, it doesnt include you either MR, not after what you are pulling right now.) Hell, i dont even know if these " true" friends are even going to stick around after I move. I dont care if they do, because then I wont have an excuse to come to this fucking dump called Camillus, and I am 100 % ok with that.

And the words " I love you " mean absolutely nothing unless you can SHOW it as well as SAY it. I can honestly say I have loved 2 guys, 100 % , unconditionally, and I still do. But one of them is 1200 miles away, and the other is being the biggest asshole I have ever met. And even though I love them, I am stronger than to fall into a trap. I am strong enough to move on ( see MR, I have, you havent) and I am excited to leave this place, start fresh, have no past, only a future. And by having no past, I mean I'm leaving it here in NY, only very few will be apart of my future, and I kind of wish I never cross paths with any of you again.

After living here for my entire life, and seeing nothing but pain, I think it's time to leave. 42 days left and counting.

Perfect Blindness (5/14)

2007-06-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

You said you hate my suffering
And you understood
And you'd take care of me
You'd always be there
Well where are you now?

And you say that I hurt you, in a voice like a prayer
Yeah, you say that I've hurt you, and your voice is like a prayer
Yeah, well maybe I hurt you sometimes, but let's contrast and compare
Lift up your shirt, the wound isn't there
I guess that your truth, is just the ghost of your lies
I guess your kind of truth, is just the ghost of your lies
Yeah, your kind of truth, darling, is just the ghost of your lies
I see through them all the time
So I'm pouring some whiskey, I'm gonna get drunk
Yeah, I'm pouring myself some whiskey,
I'm going to get really fucking drunk
I'm pouring some whiskey right now, I'm going to get so, so drunk
That I pass out, forget your face, by the time I wake up.

-------------------------------------------------
Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that nothing mattered
All would be clear then
But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnetor one foolish line
'Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
You are here then you're gone
But I believe that lovers should be tied together and
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
and left there to drown
Left there to drown in their innocence
But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there is still no answer
Only all that was before I know must soon come after
That is the only way it can be
So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
And you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost
But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover
And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
But autumn came, She disappeared
You can't remember where she said she was going to
But you know that she's gone 'cause she left you a song
That you don't want to sing
We're singing I believe that lovers should be chained together
And thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
And left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance
But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be
Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And layed entwined together on a bed of clover
And left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness
-------------------------------------------------
For MR:
How can you not see what you're doing to me?
The countless nights I've spent on the phone
Crying to you, because of you.
Are you really that blind?
Do you hate me that much?
You blame me for everything wrong in your life
And I haven't even been involved in months
You dont see what you're doing to me
I'm always there for you; I've always kept my promises
You've gotten everything you've ever wanted from me
Even when I didnt want to give it,
And yet, you are blind to the fact that you are hurting me.
Worse than I already feel.
I tell you I deserve respect from you
But even the very next day, you ignore everything.
How can you be so blind?
Did you not hear my cries?
You blame me for hurting you, that this is your protection.
What about my protection?I have nothing to protect myself against you with.
You said you love me, you know I take those words seriously.
I'm honest with you, yet you cant seem to make up your mind.
How can you be so blind?
Did you not see my face?
My tears?
You walk past with a dirty glance,
Not even seeing my tears, my pain.
5 years down the drain, I never meant to hurt you.
But I've paid more than what I owe to you.
I still treat you like a friend; I still show you I care.
But 5 years down the drain now,
How can you be so blind to everything?
How can you not see how you are ripping me apart, piece by piece?
You heard my tears,
my cries,
my pain.
How can you be so blind?

And to report back to today.

2007-05-31T20:47:00.001-07:00

Some of the lower posts are from different dates, as posted in the name.

Alot has happened, and its still confusing in my mind. I dont really know whats happening. Im graduating in 10 days, Im failing, Im speaking my mind, Im moving, Im losing friends, Im gaining new ones, Im fighting for everything. The antidepressants make me lose my fucking mind, only make me want to hurt myself more. I just dont give a fuck about anything or anyone when I take one. thats all it takes is one. I see why Mike thinks theyr the fucking devil, bc they are. haha.

But it's late, my mind is foggy, and I have a certain craving that needs to be soothed now.

gnite for now.

Drowning Yet? (3/06/07)

2007-05-31T20:45:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to keep my grasp on reality right now, but what exactly is my reality? I seem to have lost all control of everything. I don't know if I'm happy or sad, excited or mad, or have I just become a mess of emotions that are dont mean a thing to anyone but myself? I dont write anymore, I dont sing. My outlets have been blocked and I'm drowning. And no one is here to listen to my pathetic shit. I'm being pulled in all different directions, and with things coming to an end in a short while, I havent done a damn thing. I want my independence more than anything, I want my own ideas and thoughts, I want to be the person I want to be, and I'm not. I'm smothered. I concern myself with everyone else's problem, and giving love to everyone else, while receiving none of it. A close friend told me that it wasnt always lonely to be alone, and maybe hes right. Maybe love is worthless. It only brings pain. I'm tired of being destroyed, and rebuilding just to be destroyed again. I'm going to stop. Just stop everything, and be me, the person I was 3 years ago, the person who loved life and was perfectly content on having fun and laughing and joking around. The person who had her own thoughts and ideas and feelings, who stuck to her word and wasnt so cynical. But I was destroyed. (He)wanted me to change, and I did. For (him). And I haven't made it back to normalcy. But I want you to know how I am, the person I can be. The one with the thoughts and ideas, the one who feels just like you do, the person you can count on. But you wont ever know that person. Nothing can get me back to that person, all I can do is try, and be someone I like.

But none of that matters.

Sweet Detachment (4/08/07)

2007-05-31T20:44:00.000-07:00

So, its 330 am, and I cant sleep. Not that I ever really do. Tonight is especially hard. I dont know why. Well, maybe I do, but Im just confused about things. I am beginning to feel detached from things, life I guess. And I dont really want that. I dont want to be numb again. I dont want to go back to the girl who wanted to end her life just a measly 6 months ago. I hated that girl, yet I wanted to go with the impulses. Ive traded one bad habit for another, which will only kill me in the long run, but its better than my already visible scars. I hate feeling alone, almost helpless and used, although Ive become accustomed to these emotions over the dragging years. I can only remember very few times in my life when I was happy, how pathetic is that? I feel like I've grown cold, yet when I cried, he said I wasnt cold at all. So many things are happening at once, and I dont know what I can control and what I cant. Ive learned not to control most of my feelings, to let them out in some way, like talking or writing them down in my poetry, because otherwise, I become numb and detached. And then, I really do become cold. I want to push everyone out of my life, but for once, I realized that I need some support. Most of my "friends" have said Ive changed. Maybe they're right. There are very few people who I talk to now. Even less that I trust. Ive been hurt by so many people over the years, I just dont want to think he could hurt me too, even though, his words can be cold too. But I know him, at least I think I do. I just wish that he would trust me, open up a little more, and believe me when I tell him that I understand. Ive been through alot more than people think, and Im not that naive. And I remember everything, right down to the most insignificant detail, hoping that maybe, it has meaning. I do think Im becoming a blabbering mess, I dont think I know what Im saying right now. And if you end up reading this, let me know. Its nice to know that someone out there understands. Now that Im feeling utterly alone, I think Im going to go for a walk.

I want to show you the hole i have inside (4/12/07)

2007-05-31T20:38:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling crossed
I take it inside
Burn up the pain
My thoughts are strange
Just like the things I used to love
Just like the tree that fell
I heard it
If art is still inside
I feel it
I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive
Take all these strings
They call my veins
Wrap them around
Every fucking thing
Presence of people
Not for me
Well I must remain in tune
Forever
My love is music
I will marry melody
I wanna bleed
Show the world all that I have inside
I wanna scream
Let the blood flow that keeps me alive
Won't you let me take you
For a ride
You can stop the world
Try to change my mind
Won't you let me show you
How it feels
You can stop the world
But you won't change me
I need music
I need music
I need music to set me free
To let me bleed

The past couple of nights have been a whirlwind of strange thoughts. They enter for a little while, then leave again, with only a whisper left in my mind. I feel battered and cold, uncaring about anything except the physical pain that I am craving to bring me back. But of course, I myself cannot inflict it, otherwise, I will bring harsh words upon me by people who love me. (( Except for the God Fucking, Jesus Loving Hypocrite)). I want to be held close now, I want to be touched and told it'll be ok. I want to fall asleep being held close, I want to be near anyone that knows how I feel... I want to be in Florida, I want him to be here, I want to be not alone. At this very moment, I dont know what Im saying. I am beginning to believe that I have truly becoming clinically insane after my little outburst yesterday towards crazy christians who think they can save the world with the words of Almighty God. "God isnt here today". "God" cant save my goddamn soul. It's too late... I just want to be held, by anyone really, anyone who knows what Im feeling, or at least can somewhat comprehend it. I want to be with the guy I love, whether he believes in love or not. I want to be happy.

I am losing my thoughts now, feeling almost delusional... Time for bed I do believe.

Gnite, well to some, Good morning.have a happy fucking day.

oh how I want to be drunk, maybe I'll make sense then....probably not.

"Joe": y are u still alive miss
death by dolls: not by choice I can tell you that much sir.
"Joe": damnit
"Joe": ur death is imminent
death by dolls: yes sir it is. either by my own hand, or someone else's. Id prefer it to be by my own hands, at my own mercy.

Breakdown (4/20/07)

2007-05-31T20:37:00.001-07:00

I had my first panic attack since this past summer yesterday. I know what happened, and yet, I feel helpless. I was talking to an old friend of mine, and he started yelling at me, and the next thing I know, I was crying and gasping for air.. Not that he even bothered to look over his shoulder. He says Ive changed for the worst, but he isnt the same person I used to know and love. The person I know would have helped me, not yell at me. He would have given me 5 fucking minutes of his time instead of making me feel vulnerable and ashamed. And yet, after all this time, everything that happened between him and I, is still all of MY fault. He takes absolutely no responsibility in it. When he knows goddamn well that its his fault to, but no one here knows that now do they? No, because Im the bitch. I'm the one who changed, Im the one who grew up. And all I'm asking for now, since Ive never asked that boy for a goddamn thing, is 5 minutes of his time without him screaming at me, and without him walking away. I think hes just as afraid of me leaving as I am.

Whatever. He could ask me to cut off my legs, and I still would. He knows it too.

Youre Nothing To Me Anymore ( 4/23/07)

2007-05-31T20:35:00.000-07:00

How fucking dare you. I cant believe you. I fucking hate you. I hope your fucking happy. you finally made it onto the list of people I will forever despise, remember that list? The one made up of my dad, eric and ap? yeah, well guess what you fucking asshole, your now on the list. I cant believe I ever believed what you told me. " I promise I'll never hurt you." And you say Im the liar? FUCK YOU! you are nothing to me anymore, do you understand that? YOU'RE NOTHING TO ME. YOU ARE A NO ONE IN MY LIFE. ANOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE THAT'S HURT ME. I hope your fucking happy. " I'll love you always and forever." LIES!!!!!!!! I kept my promises to you, how come you didnt keep yours??? Bc I "changed"? No, we both fucking changed. You are not a fucking "man" either. dont ever think you are. a real man wouldnt leave his half fucking dead girlfriend to go camping. a real man wouldnt use his girlfriend for sex, and never give anything in return. a real man wouldnt have asked his girlfriend to change, and then get pissed off when she did. YOU MADE ME CHANGE!!!! I DID IT FOR YOU!!!! Do you not get that? No, apparently, you fucking dont. and you feel the need to fucking "check up on me"? Get over yourself. Unless you want to be involved in my life, just fucking stop it. You cant even fucking make up your own goddamn mind about your feelings for me, one day you love me, the next im a cunt. PICK ONE GODDAMNIT! I cant fucking take the emotional rollercoaster youve put me thru for the past 3 goddamn years, and I did it and dealt with it bc i fucking loved you. well no more. no. I fucking hate your guts. I dont talk shit about you behind your back like you do with me, I dont tell people not to be friends with you. NEVER!

If you havent gotten the message, leave me the fuck alone. stay away from me. dont talk about me. dont look at me. dont look at my pages. dont check up on me. " Chels, your unforgettable." Well guess what Rizzo, You are very forgettable. I can promise you that in 5 years, I wont even remember you exsisted. I will fucking do my damnedest to keep that promise. I have never once lied to you about my goddamn feelings, and here you are fucking me over bc you cant make up yours. Well fuck you. Have a fucking happy life. I promise you, I wont even remember you ever lived.

If I Waited ( 5/24/07)

2007-05-31T20:32:00.000-07:00

If I waited, I would have missed my opportunities that I have gained.
If I waited, I would be missing out on a new life
If I waited, you wouldnt come to me when you're "ready."
Youre timing has always been way off darling, we both know this.
So I come to you, because time is not on our side this time, and I cant wait.
If you waited until you were ready, I will be 1500 miles away, and nothing will get solved.
If I waited for you, nothing would ever get said.
If you waited until you were ready, I will be past the point of waiting for you, and wouldnt want anything to do with my life here, which includes you.
If I waited to say the things I have to, they would never get said, because you're waiting.

Waiting and time isnt on our side this time. There is no more future for you and I, we both know this, but we cant wait anymore to talk, and say what we have to, and what we feel. If we waited, youd be where I was last year, and I would be where you were the entire time we were together and loving each other. We switched roles, dont you see? I know how to cope, you dont. You say Im bitter, but darling, Im the one reaching out, not waiting, and you are the bitter one who wants to wait.

Wake up, open those eyes that used to hold me with all the beauty in the world, and realize, there is no more waiting for us. And I'm not just saying that because I want to talk to you, I'm saying it because it hasnt hit you yet, that I wont be here anymore. I havent physically left yet, and it scares me that you wont even realize it until Im not around... I dont want you to have that wake up call.

So stop waiting, suck it up and deal with it.Because if you wait any longer, Im going to stop waiting, and then you can fall on your ass, just like you let me fall. and trust me hunnie, it hurts real bad when you land on that dark cement of nothingness, when you become so bitter and hateful you dont give a shit about anyone or anything. Let me help you out, I know all about it, remember?

CIA for PIG

2007-05-31T20:29:00.000-07:00

Issue Under Analysis: Episcopal church leaders and their accepting of gays

“Episcopal Bishops Reject Ultimatum on Gays”. 21 March 2007. NewsMax.com. 30May 2007.

In the world today, there are so many types of people. Straight, gay, bisexual, bicurious, transexual, transgender, the list goes on and on. That’s not to say none of these people existed in earlier times, it’s just that they are now able to openly express themselves in today’s society.

In the article, the Episcopalian Church has rejected the Anglicans views on not accepting gay bishops into the church, and it almost causes the Episcopalian church to be excommunicated with the Anglican Communion. The Anglican leaders met back in February and came up with an ultimatum for the U.S. demonination. They gave Episcopalians until Sept. 30 to pledge not to consecrate another partnered gay bishop or authorize official prayers to homosexuals. Although the Episcopalians know that they could lose a lot of members of the church, they are sticking to their decisions on this topic.

What I don’t understand is why people have to be so damn ignorant all the time. Throughout history, men had same sex partners, even when married. I think I learned that back in 9th grade world history. The Romans did it, the Greeks did it, everyone had a same sex partner as well as an opposite sex partner. How come people didn’t think anything of it back then? Then Christianity came along, and they said “ Homosexuals are sinners against the lord” whereas there was even homosexuality being accepted in the bible! As was incest, but that’s a different story. So what’s the big deal now a days who has sex with who and what gender they are? Each and everyone of us was told that we were special and unique when we were little, correct. I do believe I am correct on that. So, if we are all “special and unique”, then why cant we accept other people different than what we think is the norm? There is no normal in this world, there is only crazy, messed up people, and everyone of them is “special and unique.” And who are these bishops and popes to decide who can believe what, and why? Religion is a preference of choice, and everyone has the right to practice their own beliefs, so who are the Anglicans to tell the Episcopalians not to accept gays? Big deal, they are gay. Well guess what, the Christians and Catholic priests and such touch little boys. I think that that’s a bigger issue than allowing gays into the church. There are much much much bigger issues than homosexuality in this society, so I think everyone should stop focusing on that, and start focusing on bigger things, like closing the gap between the rich and poor, and more financial aid for students and more insurance for the poor, just to name a few. I learned in religion class ( I know, surprising isn’t it? I was raised Catholic, but now practice a form of paganism called wicca) that everyone was created in god’s image. So, if that is true, god is gay, god is muslim, god is transgender, god is everything American society hates, which would mean that America is against god. So, if you’re a devout Christian or Catholic or any form of Christianity, are you against god because you are against homosexuality, a bigot, a racist? It would only be logical to believe so.

Just Like Heaven - The Cure

2007-01-29T21:32:00.000-07:00

"Show me how you do that trick"
"The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone, alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me
You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven

I'm Sorry

2007-01-29T21:19:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I have feelings

I'm sorry I don't agree with you

I'm sorry I can't live like you

I'm sorry I can't satisfy you

I'm sorry that I'm so evil

I'm sorry that I feel love

I'm sorry that I'm not perfect

I'm sorry that I'm no angel

I'm sorry I can't be what you want

I'm sorry I'm not the perfect daughter

I'm sorry that my heart is black

I'm sorry that I turned out wrong

I'm sorry if I am immoral

I'm sorry if I hurt you

I'm sorry for wanting love

I'm sorry for being lonely

I'm sorry that I'm not you

I'm sorry that I don't think like you

I'm sorry for not acting like you

I'm sorry that I didn't turn after you

I'm sorry for making my own choices

I'm sorry I don't want you controlling my life

I'm sorry that nothing goes right with me

I'm sorry that my soul is made of ice

I'm sorry I don't believe in God
I’m sorry I was born

I'm sorry for everything I've done

I'm sorry that it all felt right to me

I'm sorry that I'm selfish

I'm sorry that I'm mean

I'm sorry that I'm spoiled

I'm sorry that I'm a brat

I'm sorry for not being good

I'm sorry that I'm not open

I'm sorry for being honest

I'm sorry for lying to you

I'm sorry for acting like me

I'm sorry for thinking like me

I'm sorry for feeling like me

I'm sorry for being me

Are you happy now?

I apologized for everything you hate

I apologized for everything I'm not

I'm sorry mom, but I find it hard to love you anymore...

My Father..

2007-01-29T20:53:00.000-07:00

He was never there

He never cared

He wasn't a father

He was alcoholic

He physically and emotionally abused my mother

He emotionally and verbally abused me

How could he do such a thing?

The drinking and fighting

It never stopped

It kept me awake at night

Cause they were always in a fight

It's all his fault

I hate him for what he's done

No, hating is wrong

So does that mean I can't shun?

I don't care I don't want to be near him

I don't want to talk to or see him

I don't want him around

I will hate him if I want to

I will shun him if I want to

I will hurt him if I want to

I will tell him if I want to

He deserves to be hurt just like he hurt me

I don't see why not Can you tell why my temper shouldn't be so hot?

I don't think you can

I don't know why I even tried

To have a relationship with him

He wasn't worth any of my time

He's not even worth a dime

I don't think I'll ever want him in my life

He didn't care about how much he hurt me

His abuse hurt me more than words can say

Because of him, I'll be scarred for the rest of my days

I could have had a good life if it weren't for him

He's probably the reason why my light is so dim

He's got my mind screwed up

I have low self - esteem because of him

Don't lecture me about fathers

And their relationships with their daughters

Cause I don't want to hear it

It's bad enough I had to live it

People always lecturing me about how I need my father

Enough of that shit!

I don't consider myself his daughter

It's just as well if he died on the spot

I probably wouldn't even go to the funeral

That's how he hurt me so bad

I wouldn't be surprised if he actually went to hell

I know what I'm saying about him is very sad

How would you feel if your father threw your relationship away?

Would you try to get it back after so many years?

Or would you just let it pass on by like the passing days?

I gave up after ten years of trying

I didn't see the point anymore

And my self - esteem was slowly dying

What would you do if your father emotionally abused you?

Would you even give him another thought after your parents divorced?

Would actually try even though the rest of your spirit might die?

Would you hate him for the rest of your life?

Would you still love him or maybe on that think twice?

I don't see how I could ever love him again

I don't care if I ever see him again

I don't want to hear from him again

I don't want to go through hell again

Don't you dare lecture me ever!

I don't want to hear it!

Just thinking about him makes me shudder!

Just leave it alone its none of your business!

If you went through something similar

Then you'll understand

And if you don't understand

Then I'll dismiss you with the back of my hand

Don't anybody dare say I need him!

Don't anybody dare say those mother fucking words!

I'll never need him again!

He's just a mother fucking bastard!

Well, that's how I feel

So don't read on if you can't deal

I don't know what I feel at times

Sometimes I think this sometimes I don't

I'll never say I love him

Everybody knows I fucking won't

If you don't like the cursing then too bad!

Don't read on if it makes you fucking mad!

The cursing helps me explain how I feel

Yes, everything in this poem about my feelings is real

So if you can't handle something so surprising

Then I'm warning you now, there's much more to come

What I'm saying may be unbelievable

But believe it!

Every little word is true

He tossed me away like nothing more than a rotten old shoe

I'm sick of his lies

I'm sick of his broken promises

I know he doesn't deserve all of this

And it sort of makes me feel bad for feeling this

But he can't just walk back into my life

Like nothing happened at all

He can't play with my feelings

I'm not a mother fucking dol

l He acts like nothing has happened

Like we still have a relationship

Well I've got news for that idiot

He ended it a long time ago!

Sure, he'll call every now and then

But that doesn't mean I want to or I'm going to talk to him

What does he expect after so many years of neglect?

Just for me to be happy and not let my anger reflect?

I can't do that

I'm not going to hide what I feel

He's going to have to deal with it

Cause these feelings are real

Sorry dad

But I want no part of you

You hurt me bad enough

You actually think I'm going to forgive you?

Well sorry, but I'm not!

You're the reason my temper's so hot!

You know what you did mother fucker!

So don't you dare act dumb

You know you abused

You know you were always out all night

You know the reason why mom was always crying

You know the reason you two were always in a fight

I won't believe you're hurt from what I've said

You don't even care

Don't you even thinking of playing anymore mind games

Don't you even fucking dare

I'm so sick of all your excuses

I'm so sick of your mother fucking act

The only reason you wanted my mom

Was for the sex

You hurt her so deeply

You're not even sorry?

You don't deserve forgiveness

You know you don't

Don't even think I'm going to forgive you

You know I won't

You know you're a fucker

You know you don't deserve anything

I won't believe for a second

That you're just going to start caring

I know you won't

And you know you won't

You can't fool me with your lies anymore

If you try another mind game

You won't even get a score

There's no reason for you to be hurt or sore

What do you expect

If what you've done you don't regret?

I sure damn won't forgive you

If you don't care at all

You fucked up the home life

Now you have to live with it

You made your bed

Now you have to lie in it

You lost her

You lost me

We won't come crawling back

That I can guarantee

Now you're all alone with nothing to do

Except fuck that slut you're with now

I bet that'll be a lot of fun

You can't blame me look what you've done!

I don't want an alcoholic for a father

You didn't want a daughter

So why do you keep calling me?

Stop all fucking ready!

I've had enough!

If you really want to make this work

Then leave me alone for a while so I can sort things out!

I don't want to hate you

But you leave me no choice

If you just let me sort things out

Then maybe we can talk face to face instead of voice to voice

Just cool it for a while

Leave me alone

Maybe I won't hate you anymore

Maybe I can surprise with how much I've maturely grown

I know you didn't mean to make me miserable

But that's still no excuse

I can't forgive you for what you've done right now

You've scarred me from all of the abuse

So just stay hidden for a while

Don't talk to me either

Maybe if you do that I can get things together

Just give me some space

Let me walk my pace

So I can get my feelings together

I think maybe that would make things better

RIP JOE DOERFLER

2006-05-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

rip joe " dorffy" doerfler

forever in my heart.

http://videos.phototributes.com/Buranichfh/DoerflerFamily_files/DoerflerFamily.html

FPI 2006: 911 Video: Loose Change

2006-04-22T07:34:00.000-07:00

FPI 2006: 911 Video: Loose Change

FCC EULOGY

2006-04-07T15:52:00.000-07:00

i wrote this for a friend last night as a favor. He read it on his radio show last night as a Fuck you. :) hope you enjoy it as much as they did.

Dearly beloved,
I am sorry for the death of fcc. He was hated by all. If only we hadn’t effed him up the other night when he caught us breaking those wonderful rules of his. His amazing sense of humor shut us all up and his sweet nature allowed us all to become zombies of the air waves. We have all enjoyed watching our words and when we forget about those wonderful rules, we are all punished by the famous bleep. I am happy to say we have done away with this wonderful amazing person and he will not be missed.
We are free to say what we want again.

note to self:

2006-03-29T16:34:00.000-07:00

I should have written this first off. But my poetry is more important. My name is Chels. I write poetry.. :) obviously. My poetry reflects me and the hardships I have gone through and the pain and anguish I have personally felt. If you do not like this, or are offended in anyway, please dont comment me and tell me I need help or that I am pyschotic. I will not be offended in anyway and it is just plain childish to do that. If you dont like it, dont read it. And for those of you who personally know me already... this might be a side you've never seen.

Feel free to comment if you enjoy this, or would like to share a similar feeling.

xoxox,
DeathbyDolls.

My Graveyard

2006-03-25T23:21:00.000-07:00

Gleaming moon
Shining full overhead
The ghastly sight
Its hardly more than enough
Overcome with a sensation
So dreadful, cant turn back
Fog hangs eerily around
The stones of the dead
Floating
The dread is powerful,
But will is greater
One step closer
And sitting down
Fog engulfs everything
Snap! A noise
Sensations are overpowering
The nerves
Lightheaded and dizzy
Creeping slowly along the ground
Waves of chills enter the spine
Heart beats faster
Heavy breathing
Snap! A noise
Closer this time.

Movement in the dark

2006-03-25T23:19:00.000-07:00

Silence
Its mind numbing
Blood runs cold
There’s nothing
It’s the mind playing a trick
Too quiet
Something’s wrong
Shaking
Filled with dread
“ its just my mind”
Overload.
Crash!
Unable to move
Muscles tense
A shadow
Floating
It cant be
A glitter in the dark
Spray of darkness on the wall
Silence.

Anger #5

2006-03-25T23:16:00.000-07:00

Whisper to God your prayers
to keep away the nightmares
Then dare to look inside
in that place where you hide
So wipe away the tears
and tell me all your fears
to compare them all to mine
you'll watch me cross the line
Show me the wrists that you slit
and tell me about your pit
then look deep into my eyes
and see where real pain lies
I know you can't compare
with my evil stare
So silence to all your lies
I'm deaf to all your cries
For you I can't feel
because your pain's not real
You may think you're dead
but it's all inside your head
Let time remove your tears
and get yourself away from here
because it's you that I seekto feed the small and weak
It's now things turn bleak...

Chasing Rainbows

2006-03-25T23:12:00.000-07:00

Open up your heartache
and let in all the lies
keep on searching for love
until the tears run dry
You don't know why
your heart never heals
traveling between heartbreaks
on the back of ideals
You're just waiting for the clouds to part
and for a rainbow to light the way
Yet the skies are forever gray
You tell yourself that everything is o.k.
Another guy wasn't good enough
and tomorrow is another day
looking around
so lost and confused
not knowing where to go
or what you're supposed to do
You're just waiting for the clouds to part
and a rainbow to light the way
Yet the skies are forever gray
You look into a mirror
that you're too scared to touch
fourteen years of this
is thirteen years too much
looking for another bed
to rest your raging mind
though your eyes remain wide open
your soul still wonders blind
You're just waiting for the clouds to part
and a rainbow to light the way
Yet the skies are forever gray

MY DEDICATION TO IAN

2006-03-25T22:33:00.000-07:00

February 17, 2006 at 02:02 AM
It is with great sorrow that I have to report that Ian passed away yesterday February 16, 2006. Ian was under total sedation and passed very peacefully. He had fought long and hard but unfortunately lost the fight with the infection that was ravaging his body. I will post further information when it is available.

RIP IAN.
I’LL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU.
I LOVE YOU.

Ian "Glory" Carr Age 16, of Flint, died, Thursday, February 16, 2006 at U of M Medical Center, Ann Arbor, after a long, courageous battle with large T-cell non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Ian Patrick Theodore Carr was born April 4, 1989 in Flint and had attended Hamady High School. Surviving are mother, Debi Carr; grandparents, Harry (Alice) Carr, Jr.; aunt, Alicia Millstead; uncles, Harry (Denell) Carr III, Michael (Lea) Carr. Ian is also survived by many other family members and relatives, best friends,Chelsea Parker, Nick Crandall and Nathan Horton; and many other close friends too numerous to mention. Special thanks to all of the medical caregivers who provided an unbelievable love and genuine care for Ian during his stays. Ian's favorite interests were video games, Japanese anime, Star Wars and professional wrestling.

You were my best friend. and I promised I'd write your biography. I'm on my way :) I love you. And I miss you. You were more than I ever expected. You will always be in my heart.

Insomnia 2

2006-03-25T22:19:00.000-07:00

I die in my sleep every night
Murdered by the countless slashes
On my wrists
Made by myself
Ordered by the master
I sleep not, not wanting to hear his voice
Haunting my dreams, never a sweet word
Wanting me to do his every awful deed
Killing myself the only way out
Of the garish night terror.
Sleepless nights pass,
No orders, no demands, never a sweet word
I die in my sleep every night
After I murder everyone else.
Only to make sure I am purely alone,
Alone in my haunting sleep
Never a sweet word uttered
As I raise the blade to my throat
Utterly alone, no one to save me
In my haunting sleep
Turning back time, saving nothing,
Wanting everything
I fall deeply,
Ordered by the master,
Into my murderous sleep.
I wish not to sleep.
So haunting, so charming.
He tells me this shouldn’t be a dream.
But reality
No more sleepless nights,
No more orders.
No more terrors.
Forever rest.

If only I had the strength.

Moonlight and the Spider Web

2006-03-25T22:13:00.000-07:00

On a cold clear night
You can step out into the moonlight
The coldness washes over you
As you stand there mesmerized
There’s no feeling there
Just a trance like state
The glowing light is radiating
It is breathtaking
Glancing to the side,
You shiver, noticing a spider web
Shimmering in the glow of the chilling moon
Dazzling with raindrops from that day’s shower
You take a deep breath
Inhaling the sweet smell of honeysuckle
Peaceful and serene
You cannot move your legs
Everything’s perfect here in this nighttime world
You stay there till sun up.
Praying for night to come again.

An Ode To An Ungrateful Man

2006-03-25T22:11:00.000-07:00

Hello again
I haven’t spoken to you in awhile
I don’t want you to know how I am
Nor do I care how you are
Your voice increases my anger
I hate you, ungrateful man
You act like everything’s perfect
Perfect just like you huh?
Your assets mean nothing, Daddy
You criticize everything about me, ungrateful man
Nothing I do is good enough
You don’t know the real me, Daddy
And I’m not about to show you
Sometimes I want to rip out your throat, Daddy
For all those things you said that were mean
Sometimes I want to bash in your teeth Daddy
Gonna use your tongue as a stamp
Gonna rip out your heart the way you did mine Daddy
Please remember
I hate you ungrateful man.

the moment on the lawn

2006-03-25T22:09:00.001-07:00

Your arms wrapped around me on this night
As we lay under the gorgeous starlight
I think we are in the dark abyss
And I’ll savor every moment of this

The starlight is an amazing image
My heart is not in its endless ravage
And I believe that I am in sheer bliss
And I’ll savor every moment of this.

Everything disappears when you’re around
My life is never ending and will be bound
I am starved for the taste of your kiss
And I’ll savor every moment of this

insomnia 1

2006-03-25T22:09:00.000-07:00

The blackness engulfs me
As I stare at my wall
Sleep never seems to come
I lay there thinking of why
Everything has happened
The dark night is familiar to me
My body is never resting.
My mind never resting
Insomniac

Pain 1

2006-03-25T22:02:00.000-07:00

The pain comes eventually.
Whether that person loves me or not
The never ending pain
Pain that makes me want to scream
That makes me want to tear down all my walls
And just cry out.
But I cant cry out anymore.
I wont tell that anything is wrong.
There is nothing I can do
It was their decision
Not mine.
The consequences tear me apart…
I cant cry over this
Its impossible for me.
Its not the first time I’ve been hurt.
And I know it wont be my last
Pain is there
A constant reminder on my wrist..
My wall of shame.

the dreams

2006-03-25T21:58:00.000-07:00

Show me all the secrets you hold
Show me all the pain you feel
Change me into the new me
The me you want me to be
If you cant love me as me
Then change me, mold me, sculpt me
Tear my heart out
Shatter my soul
Take away my freedoms
Take away my thoughts
My dreams and reality
I belong to you
I am everything you want me to be
You made me
You fucked me over
And I still come back
I am loyal
You cant say I’m not
I am nothing
Except broken pieces
Swept under the rug
Swept under By you
I hate you.

the girl in the back row

2006-03-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

Look at her
Her chilling icy stare
The way she has her hair
Look at her
Those cuts on her wrists
The scars on her soul
She sits with friends
But she is alone.
They are giggling and gossiping
She is quiet and thoughtful
I wonder what she’s seen
In her short life
Does she live in reality?
Or does she live with her pain?
Inside. Locked and caged?
Look at her
I wonder if she has a heart
Or if it’s been ripped out
And shattered into a million pieces?

I guess we’ll never know
She killed herself last night.

no one

2006-03-25T21:36:00.000-07:00

see me slip again
I’ve been down this road before
the cuts on my wrist show my pain
the hurt and agony of everything
wear at my heart
I feel nothing now
I’m slipping into darkness
and no one is here to save me
I’m frightened
I don’t know how long ill be gone this time
it gets worse every time
I hit the bottom
I’m struggling for air
I’m drowning
and no one is here to save me
everyone is blind to see what’s happening
there are no warning signs showing thru
to any one but me
my voice can’t escape me
no words can help save me now
I want to let it all go.
stop struggling
let myself slip into darkness.
but everyone needs me and I have no one
to save me

replacement

2006-03-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

Someday this ring won’t
Cut its tell-tale mark into my skin
Someday that haunting melody
Won’t tease the tears to fall
Someday my youth will fade
Convience perhaps.
Content in another face
Someday I may forgive myself
For everything you have replaced

shattered again

2006-03-25T21:30:00.000-07:00

I lay shattered on the floor
At your feet
I could not comprehend the words
You were saying
And as you continued
I understood
My heart broke
My stomach dropped.
I feel how I used to.
After my father would beat me down with words
I never realized you could
Do this to me
Never knew you could hurt me with your words also
And now I lay at your feet
Shattered into a million pieces
All because you said “I don’t need you anymore”

let me slip

2006-03-25T21:27:00.000-07:00

My legs are weak
But they aren’t shaking
My heart beats faintly
But it isn’t fading
My eyes are closing
Yet I’m wide awake.
I’m too scared of what I'd find today

My head aches
But it isn’t pounding
My throat is burning
But it’s not swelling
My breaths are long
But I can hardly breathe
I’m living with myself in deceit.
So let me slip away……

new love ( also old and not very good)

2006-03-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

This love is all new to me
Something different from the former
This new love
I feel safe with you
Secure and protected
I trust you
I don’t know how you feel.
And I think you feel the same
This new feeling washes over me
When I see your angel face
And your devilish smile
And I look into your soul
And because of this,
I let down my guard
And invite you in
Into my past
Into my present
Into my future

oops ( very old and not very good)

2006-03-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

I’ve fallen I’ve slipped
So hard I don’t know what happened
You caught me with my walls down
And I don’t know how
You could read my mind
Even when you weren’t there
My fears shown thru
And proved myself weaker
But now the tables are turning
And I have you with your guard down
I know how to play the games
I know how to catch you in a lie
And I will be the one to bring you down, And I will be laughing the entire time
For I have the power in this love/hate relationship
And I have become the hate
The power you felt is now in my blood
And I will make sure you feel destroyed

twisted

2006-03-25T20:39:00.000-07:00

I’ve been twisted around
I’m not myself
This love affair has gone away
I tried to tell myself you’d still be there
But my heart knows otherwise
I’ve been twisted around
My hearts been shattered
And you are nowhere to be found
I’ve been twisted around
And I’m in a dark place
I can not find myself since you left
I’ve been twisted around
By your love
And you left me
*twisted*